Stay with me for a second here…
Fit You in My Mind is the punchline of The Hallowed Wide. The lightbulb moment.
I feel like it would be wrong to say too much more about the song before you’ve had the chance to meet her yourself…but what I will say is that it’s about trust—expectations, uncertainty, and fear.
We don’t really know who our companions are, who they’ve been, or who they could become. We won’t ever really know what anyone is capable of. For better and for worse.
I believe in being graceful and open-hearted amidst this sort of uncertain grappling…but I’m not always so clear, in practice.
For example.
I’ve realized recently that there is too much fear in this relationship. Yes – with you.
If I’m being honest, I think the uncertainty really gets to me. I experience so much vulnerability in this space. I put my heart and my creativity on the line in such an exposed way. Really so exposed. And, of course, I have no control over how you will receive it.
But here’s my confession…I think sometimes I kind of try to control it. 😬
It’s innocent. Accidental, even.
Nevertheless, it happens. And I have been thinking lately that the fear itself is what causes the problem…
The highest version of myself understands that someone who wants/needs what I make…that person sort of necessarily wants…me. That person wants a whole version of myself (filtered as it may be through the internet and other limited mediums). If someone trusts me as an artist…I can reasonably trust that person to be capable of receiving a version of me that’s experimenting, that’s tinkering with a new idea, etc.
‘Cause. You know. That’s what art is all about. Right?
And then, it stands to reason that if someone is put off by my earnest artistic endeavors…that person isn’t someone I should feel scarcity about. Like ships in the night, we’ll go. And that is…that should be…just perfectly fine.
Obviously, I do not, however, feel perfectly fine about this. 🙈
Childhood Trauma Alert >>> I am actually terrified about this. I am not chill about this at all. I’m terrified by the idea that I’m not allowed to grapple, that I’m not allowed to experiment and evolve, or that one false step will take away my already-fragile sense of possibility.
Listen. I know this is maladaptive. That’s kind of my point haha. But yeah…fear tells me to edit myself up front in order to feel safer, more in control.
It’s a lie, though.
Right? I mean – it knocks trust out at the knees. It’s an absolute death sentence for trust.
SO.
What I want to tell you is that I may be…about to enter a bit of a chaotic period as an artist.
I may need to thrash about a bit to figure out where my own artistic boundaries are.
I may need to reach into corners I’ve been too scared to visit.
I want to stop dipping my toe in, and gauging the response (and my next steps) from there. I want to feel like I can fucking DIVE IN, if that’s what feels right. And I want to feel like you will follow your own heart about whether to join me. And I want to feel like that will be the right thing, no matter what it is.
I don’t know who YOU could be. I want to trust YOU, and believe in your complexity and capability, as well. That is the sort of radical choice that is in my values as an artist.
It’s The Hallowed Wide in actual practice. And I’m going to really try to be there with you from now on.
And. I really…I cannot wait for you to hear this song. I so deeply hope you love it.
Love,
Emily