Believe it or not, I am stuck in the airport AGAIN today. This time in Phoenix, delayed by nearly 8 hours. GUH!
But the silver lining here is that I’ve been meaning to write this essay for such a long time, and have been struggling to find a few hours to do it. So – here we are!
As frequenters of this creative space, you know I’ve been thinking a lot about the wishy-washy nature of medium (what isn’t a medium? is everything a medium?). And one specific idea I’m enjoying lately is the idea of community as a medium.
Maybe because I’m largely sans family, the idea of community has taken on quite a bit of weight for me in the past few years.
I mentioned in my last essay that I’ve been working on integrating all of my projects into a more holistic values system, and community-building is a big part of that, for me.
A tangent, if you will…
I had a bit of an epiphany, recently.
A few years ago, maybe right around the time my mom died, the same question kept popping up – in therapy, in the music marketing groups I was studying in, etc. The question seems simple: What do you want?
At the time, I really didn’t know. The question absolutely stumped me. I could rattle off a list of what I didn’t want, but I had no idea how to put words on a clear vision of what I was longing for.
But recently, I was driving through a perfect rainstorm on the way home from Jackson Hole—through some of the most beautiful land on this incredible planet—and a little answer knocked at my ear…
I want to build a life where I can show up as my sparkliest, most vibrant self, and have that self be received and valued by those who are allowed significant space in my days.
I think this little idea is broad enough to encompass all of my hopes and dreams, and specific enough to really aim at, with intention.
And it’s not coming out of nowhere.
I’ve been circling around this concept for at least the past year, or so, maybe a bit longer. Exploring, experimenting, setting boundaries, testing limits. I’ve been SO earnest. I’ve been applying myself in ways I never have before—sharing parts of myself I’d never felt brave enough to share, and asking for space I’ve never attempted to hold.
It’s definitely a work in progress. I’m learning new things all the time, and falling short of my sparkly intentions in plenty of ways. But I feel really proud of what I’m aiming at, and the steps I’ve been taking.
Shall I elaborate? (please, let me elaborate)
I’m so in love with the little community I’m a part of at UVU. I haven’t talked about it much here, but I would very much love to tell you more.
This upcoming fall, I will be teaching Songwriting I for the second time (with my second round of Songwriting II coming up in the spring), the Commercial Voice Performance class (a “masterclass” structure with all of the freshman and sophomore commercial voice majors), Pick-up Band (an ensemble that teaches students how to perform in a non-rehearsed party/event band), Studio Singers (a vocal ensemble designed to prepare students for group singing in a studio setting – tight harmonies, excellent sight-reading, detailed articulation, etc.), and of course, private voice lessons for a small handful of commercial voice majors.
It’s lovely to work in so many varied ways with young artists who’ve declared the intention to make music their life’s work. I try to show up for these students wholeheartedly, and take my role in their artistry very seriously. I want to help them find their strengths, and learn to lean SO bravely into those.
And I hope to help them discover gentle ways to hold their weaknesses, and begin to eat their proverbial elephants one bite at a time. I want to give them a heightened experience. I want to show them how to support each other fiercely, without jealousy or fear. And most importantly, I want them to feel welcomed into the larger community of artists I am also a part of—in our state, and in the wider world.
Along those same lines, I have deeply enjoyed finding community with my fellow faculty members at UVU. These relationships are so precious to me. I love learning about my colleagues, and all of the brilliant ways they apply their curiosity and skills in their work, and in their lives. I imagine a future of old friends who’ve seen each other through many iterations of our own artistry. I want to feel part of a beautiful team, supporting our incredible students in our little high desert home.
This same flavor of fierce community support has been on my mind and heart in the work I do with the Diamond Empire Band. This part of my career has really challenged me over the EIGHT years (what? how?) since I was hired to be the producer for the Utah and Boise branches of our broader network. But I finally feel like I’m getting enough of a handle on my insecurities to really show up simultaneously for my bandmates, and for our clients. And more recently, I’ve accepted a new position as Head Producer in the larger company, which means I get to work much more closely with the other 10 Diamond Empire Band producers across the country. I have enjoyed this immensely.
The feeling of community stretching across more than a dozen states fills my heart so full. My fellow producers are some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever known—some of those instant soul connections, true loves.
This work feels so abundant to me. Of course, there are always nightmare scenarios and emotionally dysregulated individuals to deal with (sometimes I am one of those emotionally dysregulated individuals), but mostly, we get to be part of so many incredible memory-making days with families and friends coming together to celebrate love. It’s difficult to feel too cynical about the world when you get to see love being expressed in so many different sorts of families.
For years, I’ve described this work as the “lower case ‘a’” art I do to pay my bills. But increasingly, this feels wrong to me. I’ve begun to realize that it’s just a different sort of Art. There’s room for so much earnestness, so much curiosity, so much creativity.
I feel like I’m just beginning to pull on this particular string (btw, shout out to Doug Wagner for giving me this metaphor I will NEVER stop using), and sometimes my own anxiety and insecurity gets in the way of really being present like I want to, but I’m eager to keep moving toward a version of myself who feels as artful in these spaces as I do in my passion projects.
Which brings me, of course, to Artifice. This project gives me so much. I’ve described it as my private wellspring of inspiration, and I can’t think of a more apt description. But I have been thinking about one new thing…
Over these four years (and over 150 interviews), I’ve realized that one of the things I love most is when my guests leave feeling like they’ve really been seen. I LOVE hearing “nobody has ever asked me that before,” or “I haven’t ever thought about this, but you’re exactly right.” It nearly brings tears to my eyes. I feel like it puts some karmic energy into the world that somehow makes up a bit for all the times I haven’t felt seen (mostly by my parents). I don’t think I’ll ever get to 100%, but I want for all of my guests to leave feeling like they’ve been given this gift of being truly beheld. This feels like a deeply powerful expression of community. I’m so excited about it.
Of course, I have my wonderful home-studio. Mostly, I teach adult beginners (or, adults who already have full careers, and who are looking to develop or reinvigorate their artistic skills). I’m always talking about how art is for everyone, and I feel a profound respect and gratitude to these non-professional artists who bring me their hearts and voices and creativity, and give me the opportunity to help them build their identities as artful individuals. They give me a way to put this particular value of mine into practice, and I take it as an incredible gift.
I hired a gardener! She is amazing and full of joy about my plants, and that feels ME with joy, too. She brings me beautiful ideas for the space, and I get to help support her skills, and her vision for the bit of earth I call home. It’s a wonderful feeling to employ another artist for meaningful work in her area of expertise, and I hope our shared project will continue for as many years and decades as she wants!
And there are so many other little things. I’ve been quiet about it, but am still working on filling my indoor spaces with as many sustainably-sourced, hand-crafted objects and materials, as I can. It’s my creativity, it’s the creativity of others, it’s community, and it’s a lofty values system applied in the small ways I have found to apply it.
I’ve been working on a private little project (I may share more details later) to explore my magical little child-self who wasn’t really ever given space to be and grow. I’ve been making sourdough bread every week, which is simply the most enchanting thing. I’ve been making beautiful, experimental meals full of the prettiest, most wholesome ingredients. I’ve been absolutely falling in love with every person I’ve met at physical therapy (this chapter of my life ended last week, and I’m experiencing genuine loss about it – my darling PT friends! I’ll miss them all so dearly!). I’ve been slowly building more eco-friendly habits (I welcome all product and process recommendations!). I’ve been reading soooo many books – science books, art books, memoirs. Delightful! All!
And finally, I’ve been really trying to feel community wherever I am. I try to really see the people around me – on the road, at the store, in the AIRPORT. I try to be curious and kind, and make little micro connections however I’m able. I want to see the world as the biggest, small place. I want community to be my mindset, in as many ways as possible.
And my original music? Well…as I said earlier this year, I’m in a research phase! Haha. And all of this ^^^ is the research I’m doing. Rest assured, there will be music when sufficient research has been conducted.
I’ll leave you with one final thought, serendipitously shared this very morning by my friend Dave Wilbur, written by George Bernard Shaw:
“This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.
Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
As always, thank you for being here. Thank you for receiving the sparkliest self I have to offer today.
Love,
Emily
P.S. Here’s a breakfast salad I made! It was so yummy.
